The Wee Wee Hours of the Morning

I knew going into this wedding that since it was a Sunday morning affair we would have to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn just to get our hair done. So here's a run-down of that exciting time in my life.

4:30am Wake up, almost trip over Jason's things piled in room because it is still pitch black out and I cannot turn the light on without waking my companion.
4:33am Somehow make it downstairs only to find Nanny already awake and asking if I'll make her coffee since she doesn't know how to use Mom's Mr. Coffee.
4:37am Shower, somehow managing to do so half asleep.
4:45am Wake up sister.
4:47am Mindlessly dress in clothes I carefully laid out the night before knowing I wouldn't be able to function and somehow get contacts in.
4:50am Finish packing back-pack o'shit to bring with me for the day.
5:00am Double check back-pack o'shit to make sure I truly have everything for the day.
5:05am Rummage through basement to find little Playmate cooler and leave note on it (and the fridge) for someone for the love of God to remember to bring the personal pan cheesecakes in the fridge with them when they leave for the ceremony and give them to the Matradee, since Jaclyn is allergic to her own wedding cake.
5:10am Pack car.
5:15am Accidentally run red light. Glad that the traffic cams aren't up and running at that intersection yet.
5:20am Pick up Stacey from her parent's house.
5:25am Arrive at Jaclyn's condo, juggling three floor length dresses in plastic wrap.
5:30-5:45am Pack limo and get all of Jaclyn's things together without creating a panicked atmosphere.
5:50am Step out so Jaclyn can take a breather. Jade, on hydration and panic attack control, is the only bridesmaid left inside.
5:57am Leave Jaclyn's condo to go pick up Aunt Nancy a few blocks away. Giggle that Jaclyn and Jade are the only two who put seat belts on in the entire limo.
6:05am See my Uncle in his glasses and not his contacts for the first time in my entire life. It was odd.
6:07am Find out my Great Aunt Doris is now on a ventilator and since a few cousins are not coming to the reception think of anyone in town who I can invite to the wedding as a seat filler.
6:08am Realize I have no friends to call to act as seat fillers.
6:40am Arrive at Essa Salon.
6:55am Am asked if I'd like some caffeine. Answer: "For the love of God yes!"
6:57am See Emmy and automatically take a photo of Jessy, the actress bridesmaid, with it.
7:00-7:45am Enjoy my cappuccino complete with complimentary milano cookie and nibble on some fruit while everyone else gets their hair done.
8:00-8:45am Continue to sit while everyone else gets their hair done.
9:00am Finally get called over to a chair and tell my quiet man that I'd like it to be big and ridiculous.
10:00am Realize my hair dresser has delivered.
10:05am Hair dresser gives me one last spray of hair spray and exclaims: "You are my masterpiece today!"
10:10am Rushed to get make-up on, convinced I will never look as good as I imagined.
10:20am Lock myself in dressing room and try to shimmy into my dress.
10:21am Half way in dress Julibean is at the door with Jason on the phone saying there is a suit disaster happening at home and I panic slightly.
10:23am Get dress entirely on without harming the anchorwoman hair.
10:27am Call Jason back only to find out he's a moron and when I said his suit was hanging in the closet with everyone else's wedding clothes in it, he didn't even look in that closet.
10:30am Consider beating Jason with my helmet hair.
10:45am Assist Julianne in make-up.
10:57am Pass over a painful amount of money to the salon. Seriously, I've never spent so much on my hair in my entire life!
11:00am Pack everything back into the limo.
11:10am Pull out of the salon only 10 minutes behind schedule.
11:11am Realize that through a mis-communication where I was supposed to pay Julibean's tip, she actually did not wind up tipping her hair stylist.
11:12am Feel a little bit better about the amount of time and money spent on my hair knowing they didn't get $10 more from me.
11:15am Realize that there is absolutely no way to keep the girls under control and inside the dress completely for the day.
11:16am Julibean starts making anchorwoman references about my hair.
11:17am Decide that for the rest of the day Elise will be on vacation and reading the news in her place will be Tits McGee.